


One Big Happy Family

by notarelationship (justpracticing)



Series: Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bewitched - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 06:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justpracticing/pseuds/notarelationship
Summary: It's never the right time to meet the in-laws, is it? Kurt and Blaine have surprise guests.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It has always been my intention to get back to this, but no one is more surprised than I am that I am finally doing it! I have a half dozen or so prompts in this universe that I am hoping to get to this year, so cross your fingers! 
> 
> This picks up directly after the events in I Married A Witch, and you really need to read that one to get into the universe, so if you haven't I recommend doing that right now! It's funny! You'll like it!

_Kurt has no idea how long the doorbell has been ringing, but now there’s knocking too. He’s not hungover after last night, not from alcohol anyway. But he’s tired as hell and wants to spend the day in bed with his still-new husband. Maybe order breakfast from the deli and watch reality TV all day._

_He pushes his leg between Blaine's knees and burrows his nose against his neck, smooshing his lips against Blaine’s skin while he mumbles._

_“We jus’ got married. No’ne can leave us’lone? Time 'sit?"_

_"Dunno." Blaine tucks himself further into Kurt's arms and Kurt can't help smiling. "Too early for you to be drooling on my neck like that."_

_"Mmmm somewhere else you'd like me to drool?" He nips at the back of Blaine’s neck and grinds his half hard dick against Blaine's ass._

_"I think that sounded better in your head, Kurt—" The doorbell rings again. Several times._

_"What is wrong with Brooklyn, Blaine? Who is ringing the bell at 9am on Saturday?"_

_"Probably the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The neighborhood is crawling with them. If you don't answer they'll go away."_

_Kurt doesn't answer and the knocking stops. Two minutes later his phone starts vibrating on the bedside table. Sighing with a mix of frustration and exasperation Kurt gives in and rolls over to reach his phone. He tries not to go into shock when he sees the message._

_"Oh_ shit _," he hisses, wide awake now and pulling on his yoga pants and a shirt from the top of their laundry pile that turns out to be one of Blaine jogging tanks. He pulls it over his head as he skids down the hall barefoot. When he opens the door he stares at the couple on the other side for a full minute before he can speak._

_"Dad! Carole! What are you doing here?"_

\--

Kurt doesn’t know why he’s panicking, but somehow he can’t help feeling like he got caught sneaking in after curfew. 

"I got a couple cheap last minute flights and we thought we'd surprise you," his dad explains as Kurt opens the door and lets them in. The look on Carole’s face as she follows Burt down the hall is all apology. 

“Oh! Great!” Kurt plasters a smile on his face. He’s not sure why; he’s old enough to know he can be upset at his father if he wants to. Burt is standing in the hallway looking around and it takes Kurt a minute to realize this is not an apartment his dad has ever been in, even though it’s home to Kurt now. “Second door on the left, Dad,” Kurt says, and Burt takes the lead walking down the short hall. Kurt doesn’t want to wake Blaine, but he definitely needs to warn him. He hangs back a step as Burt disappears through the doorway, gently tugging Carole by the elbow to hold her back.

"You could have called," he hisses, still more panicked than angry. 

"He woke me up in the middle of the night and said we were going to New York, that he’d already packed our bags.” Carole whispers back. “I sent you a text." Kurt glares at his phone screen. There is indeed a text from Carole at 6 am. "I guess he doesn't trust either of us," she says with a frown.

Kurt leads Carole into their tiny living room, adjacent to the kitchen, where Burt is turning in circles taking the place in. With three adults and two suitcases in the space it suddenly feels very small. Suffocating even, Kurt thinks.

“This is nice, Kurt,” Burt says. “It’s charming.” Burt turns to look at Kurt, and Kurt can tell from the forced lightness in his dad’s tone that he has a lot more to say. 

“Yeah, um, Blaine has a really great deal on the rent, so we thought we‘d stay here until we found someplace that had enough space for both of us.” Burt just nods. “My apartment’s only a one-bedroom too.”

“Have you got someplace I can wash up? I’m a little dusty from the flight,” Burt asks.

Kurt shows Burt where the bathroom is, returning to the sitting area to pace in front of his step-mother.

“How pissed off is he?” Kurt asks Carole. He really needs to know what he should be preparing for.

Carole shakes her head, throwing her arms up helplessly as she sits on the small sofa. Kurt sits next to her, leaning into her side for reassurance. “I don’t know. He was surprised by your call.” She turns to him with a look that clearly says ‘what did you think would happen?’ “He didn’t want to wait to meet Blaine, honestly Kurt I think he was worried about you. We were supposed to sit down today and try to plan a trip out here sooner rather than later.” Carole sighs. “I guess he decided he couldn’t wait.”

Kurt is hugging himself, entirely not sure what he should do first. Should he explain to his dad alone? Should he wake Blaine so they can put up a united front?

Carole sighs and he can feel her relax next to him. “Can I ask you something? Before he comes back?”

Kurt nods.

“Do you really love him? Blaine?”

Kurt feels the stress drain out of his shoulders. This question he knows the answer to.. “So much Carole. He’s everything I could have ever wanted, and nothing that I would have dared dream about.”

“Then your dad will come around.” She pats him on his shoulder, pulling him in for a hug. They’re still hugging when Burt returns from the bathroom.

“So Kurt, where’s this new husband of yours?” 

Kurt jumps to his feet and sucks in a breath to center himself. “He’s still sleeping, Dad.” 

“Hmm. Well I guess it is a weekend -” Burt starts, rubbing a hand over his face. 

“Isabelle threw us a dinner party last night,” Kurt interrupts. “We didn’t get home until after one am so honestly Dad we’re -”

“Kurt? I heard voices. You didn’t let them in did you? I know they can be persistent but -” He’s rubbing sleep from his eyes but stops talking when he realizes there are people in the room with Kurt. Kurt is silently thankful that Blaine actually put pajama pants on before coming out to look for him - though a shirt would have been nice too, under the circumstances, but his eyes go wide at the sight of the hickey placed on his hip, just over the elastic waistband of his pants.

“Blaine!” Kurt steps around Burt and Carole who both turn to get a look at their new son-in-law. “Blaine, honey, um, these are my parents, Burt and Carole Hummel,” Kurt manages to say. “Dad, Carole, this is Blaine.” Kurt slings an arm around Blaine’s shoulders. He can feel the awkwardness of the situation but isn’t sure yet how to fix it.

Blaine utters a soft _oh_ , then seems to realize then that he’s shirtless and immediately crosses his arms in front of his chest in nervous attempt to cover himself. A second later he’s untangling his arms and holding a hand out to Burt. “I’m sorry, it’s so nice to meet you both.” Carole narrows her eyes at Burt, who hasn’t quite caught up, and takes Blaine’s hand. 

“It’s lovely to meet you too Blaine,” Carole says, and Kurt is grateful for his step-mother’s warmth and acceptance, not for the first time in his life. Burt manages to remember his manners as well, after Carole elbows him in the ribs, and shakes Blaine’s hand when he offers.

Blaine recovers from the shock of meeting his new in-laws before Kurt can figure out what to do next. 

“How about I go put a shirt on then I can make some coffee?” He points toward the bedroom and is about to leave when Kurt notices his dad staring in the direction of Blaine’s hickey. 

“That sounds like a great idea!” Kurt says, much too brightly, then winces. “Dad, Carole why don’t you guys have a seat and I’ll be right out and we can get you settled.”

Kurt hustles Blaine down the hall and into the bedroom before Burt can say anything. He knows his dad is harmless really, but it sometimes takes an excessive amount of bluster for him to just accept something, and he had a feeling there would be a lot of blustering about him running off and getting married without so much has a phone call. Not that Kurt is sure he doesn’t deserve it, but it is entirely too early in the morning for that, and he thought he’d have a little more time to prepare. And Blaine certainly doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of any of it.

Once they’re in the bedroom with the door closed Blaine spins around - and is fully dressed in pale pink chino shorts, a white polo shirt, and a yellow bow tie with tiny dachshunds all over it. Kurt blinks hard and shakes his head because it’s not only a surprise, but Blaine must be really anxious - the look really doesn’t go well together at all.

“Warn me when you’re going to do that please?” He whisper-shrieks. “Also it’s too much. Lose the tie.” Kurt waves a little dismissively.

Blaine blinks and the tie disappears. “Those are not Jehovah’s Witnesses Kurt! That is your dad out there!” He’s whispering, but only just barely. Blaine is really freaking out because his hair is still going in thirty-seven different directions.

“You forgot to uh -“ Kurt points a twirling finger to the top of Blaine’s head. 

Blaine huffs and wiggles his nose and his mess of curls is instantly transformed into the slick style he wears every day. “ _Kurt_.”

“I didn’t know they were coming!” Kurt protests, but now that he’s had a moment to think he feels like he can at least get control of the immediate situation. “But here’s what I think we should do - we don’t have enough room for them here, so I’ll take them over to my empty apartment and set them up there for however long they’re staying. It can’t be too long; Dad won’t leave the garage for more than a few days in a row, even with back-up.” 

Blaine sits down on the edge of the bed and takes a deep centering breath, closing his eyes as he exhales and nods. 

“Give me about an hour. I’ll try to convince them to take a nap or something, then we can meet up with them later for lunch or a walk around the neighborhood later. I promise my dad will behave. And besides Carole is amazing and can totally keep him in line, I’m sure he knows this is a bit over the top. How does that sound?”

“Okay.” Blaine makes a small whimpering noise, but collects himself. “Okay. That sounds okay.” Kurt pulls on some shorts and a patterned tank top, and pockets his keys and wallet and phone. “Is he going to murder me?” Blaine asks as Kurt gets to the doorway.

That actually makes Kurt laugh. “You? No. Me? Jury’s out.” Kurt kisses Blaine on the forehead, and Blaine follows him back out into the apartment. 

“Sorry about earlier,” Blaine apologizes the minute they’re in the living room. “We weren’t really expecting anyone this early.” Kurt sees his dad look at Blaine and frown, like he doesn’t recognize him with the new hair.

“Don’t worry about it at all,” Carole reassures them. “We should be apologizing for waking you so early without warning. Isn’t that right Burt?” Her words sound pleasant, but Kurt knows his step-mother and he can tell she’s had words with his father already about barging in at this hour. He’s going to have to send her flowers, or an Hermes scarf from the sample room.

Burt frowns, but he’s appropriately contrite. “Yeah, I guess calling would have made some sense.” 

“It’s all fine Dad,” Kurt tells him. “But Blaine and I were talking and as you can see we really don’t have a lot of room here. We could put you up on a blow up mattress in Blaine’s music room if you want, but I think you guys will be a lot more comfortable in my apartment. It’s only a few blocks away and all my furniture is still there. You can sleep in a real bed.”

Carole is instantly supportive of this idea. “I would much rather sleep in a bed than on the floor Burt,” she says. “And I’m sure your back will agree.” Burt’s uncharacteristically quiet, but he nods in agreement. “Thanks Kurt, Blaine.”

“You sure you don’t want me to help?” Blaine asks as Kurt herds his dad and Carole toward the door.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll get them settled and then text you and let you know the plan.” Blaine gives him a quick kiss, and they leave.

Along the way Carole enthusiastically agrees that Kurt’s suggestion of a nap sounds perfect, and they stop and pick up some bagels and coffee and juice so they have something to eat when they get to the apartment.

“Blaine and I moved all of my things over, and I’m pretty sure we cleaned out the fridge. We can go out for dinner later, or pick up stuff and cook - whatever you want,” Kurt tells them as they walk the couple of blocks to his apartment. “And I’ll put some clean linens on the bed. We stripped it, but I think I left some sheets there. We haven’t really had a chance to decide what things we’re keeping and what should go.”

“Have you started looking for a new apartment yet?” Carole asks.

“No, everything’s sort of happened so fast.” Burt grunts, but Kurt ignores him, “School ends in a couple of weeks and then Blaine will have a lot of free time and we are planning to sit down and figure out what we want in a new place, if we should stay in this neighborhood, how much room we’ll need, that sort of thing.”

“Do you think you’ll lose money on your apartment?” Burt asks, as Kurt holds open the lobby door of his building.

“I don’t think so,” Kurt answers as they step into the elevator. “The property values go up around here by the hour. And honestly, if I break even that’s fine. I really didn’t like this apartment much. Blaine’s place has so much more character. It would be great to find something in one of the older neighborhood buildings.” 

Kurt opens the door and Carole and his dad go in first, dragging their rolling suitcases with them. 

“This is nice Kurt,” Carole exclaims. 

“Yeah, are you sure you don’t want to live here?” His dad asks.

Kurt shuts and locks the door before turning around. “I definitely don’t,” he says. “Blaine said he would do anything I wanted, but I think --” Kurt stops when he turns and finally looks at the apartment. It’s spotless. And full of gorgeous furniture that Kurt is sure was not there before. Also they definitely did not leave this apartment spotless two nights ago when they picked up Kurt’s clothes.

“I thought you said you cleaned out the fridge?” Burt says.

“I did. We did.” Kurt joins his dad in the kitchen, where he’s staring into a fully stocked refrigerator. 

Half a gallon of milk, packages of cheese and ham and what looks like roast beef. A dozen eggs, six containers of Kurt’s favorite yogurt. A whole rotisserie chicken. The shelves in the door hold an easy dozen different sauces, mustards, and salad dressings. Kurt sucks in a sharp breath.

Burt just looks at him. “Maybe you forgot.” He reaches past Kurt for the milk, checking the date then unscrewing the cap and sniffing. “Smells fine.” Burt replaces the cap and sets it back on the shelf.

“Maybe….” Kurt leaves the kitchen and finds Carole in the bedroom unpacking. The bed is neatly made and turned down, with sheets Kurt has never seen before in his life. “I know I stripped the bed,” he says to himself, but definitely out loud. “ _Blaine_.”

“What about Blaine dear?” Carole interrupts. 

“What?” Kurt comes back to the room. “Oh, nothing. Blaine must have put clean sheets on for the realtor.” He’s relieved that he could come up with ‘realtor’, even though they haven’t called one yet. “They like to show a fully made up apartment, it’s easier to sell.” Carole nodded and went back to unpacking. 

When Kurt rejoins his dad in the living room he’s trying to figure out which buttons turn on the television, and Kurt hopes that he can leave him with some sporting event of some kind to distract him. Kurt shows him which buttons get him where he wants, and they make small talk for a few more minutes, but Kurt notices his dad looking around his apartment like he’s going to be quizzed on it later. Kurt knows his dad is working up to something - either chewing him out or hard questions just to see how satisfying Kurt’s answers, and he might call him on it under different circumstances, but there’s a piece of Kurt that wants to see just how passive aggressive his dad is capable of being about his getting married. 

For one brief second Burt opens his mouth, and Kurt thinks, this is it, this is the lecture Kurt’s been waiting for since he woke up in that Las Vegas hotel room, but Burt just frowns instead, saying nothing. Carole comes out of the bedroom before Kurt can decide to just ask Burt to let it out.

“I think I’m going to lie down for that nap now. The early hour has caught up with me, I think. What do you think Burt?” Burt gives her his attention, but has a slightly concerned look on his face. After a long second he nods.

“Probably right, like always honey.” Burt blinks and he seems more relaxed. “We can get a little nap and get cleaned up.”

Kurt claps his hands together. “Great. How about I call you in a couple hours. Blaine and I will pick you up and we can take a walk around the neighborhood?”

They all agree that sounds like a good plan, so Kurt hugs them both tight and leaves them to get settled. 

—

“Blaine!” Blaine can hear Kurt shouting in the hallway. “Blaine what did you do? Did you do something to the apartment?” 

Blaine rushes to the hall. “Kurt are you okay? What happened?” Kurt looks panic stricken.

“What did you do to the apartment?”

“Oh.” Blaine isn’t sure why Kurt is upset. He just fixed up the apartment so it would be comfortable, so he tells Kurt this.

“Well, I told them on the way over that the place was practically empty. The fridge was full of food, Blaine. No one lives there!” Kurt throws his hands up in the air in what seems to Blaine like a slightly too dramatic gesture, considering all he did was save Kurt a trip to the bodega for some supplies. 

“Did I put the wrong stuff in there? I tried to go for the basics; milk, juice, some stuff for sandwiches, I didn’t think -”

“Why would there be food if we don’t live there? It was like a _month’s_ worth of supplies. There were four kinds of mustard Blaine. My dad is from Ohio, In his entire life he’s only seen one kind of mustard.” That seems unlikely to Blaine, but Kurt is on a roll, so he lets him go. “And the bed was made! Those were 500 thread count sheets!” Kurt is practically shrieking at this point, although it does seem more out of fear than anger at Blaine. “And I’m 97% sure none of that furniture was actually mine.” 

Blaine frowns. “I didn’t put new furniture in your apartment Kurt. At least I didn’t mean to. And I find it hard to believe your dad has only ever seen one kind of mustard. Ohio is not Idaho. Although,” Blaine pauses. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t intend to put any mustard in there at all.” 

“Well it was there. Maybe you need a tune-up, or whatever witches get -”

“Hey.” Blaine looks at Kurt sharply, and that seems to pull him back from the edge. He doesn’t admit to Kurt that the extra things Kurt found in the apartment have made him a little uneasy. 

“I’m sorry. I was just really caught off guard. And my dad kept looking around like he expected someone to jump out from behind a door.” Kurt sighs and pulls Blaine into his arms. “I promised them a walk around the neighborhood later,” Kurt says, somewhat calmer now that he’s let it all out.

Blaine nods and buries his face in Kurt’s neck. “That seems harmless enough.”

“And they have a flight out tomorrow afternoon. So we just have to manage tonight. It’ll be fine.” Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt’s waist and agrees, but he’s not so sure he believes it. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to honeysucklepink for the beta!!

The neighborhood tour goes smoother than Kurt could hope for. Carole manages to slip her arm through Blaine’s right at the start of their walk, and she deflects some of the more invasive questions he knows his dad wants to ask. Kurt has an uneasy feeling that this short trip is going to last an eternity. 

Kurt tries to convince his dad that they should have dinner at a local Italian restaurant, but Burt insists they just go back to Kurt’s place and order Chinese food. It’s one of Burt’s favorite things to do, so Kurt relents, but he’s sure Burt just wants a quiet place to start his real line of questioning with Blaine. They get settled back at Kurt’s apartment and Kurt wanders off to the kitchen to place their order. 

When he rejoins Blaine and his parents all sitting in the living room they are in mid conversation, but it’s Carole talking, so he’s not too worried. Blaine smiles at him, but doesn’t look like he’s been raked over by Burt yet. Kurt spares a glance at his dad, who seems to be content to listen, at least for the moment.

“So how long have you been a teacher Blaine?” Carole asks. “Kurt said you teach kindergarten?”

“Um, yes, yes I do. And I’ve been teaching for just three years. I have one more class in early development to take to finish my masters.”

“And when will you be taking that?” Burt asks. 

“I’ll be taking it during the school year, at night.”

“I didn’t realize you had another class to take,” Kurt says, momentarily surprised, but sitting down next to his husband on the couch and tangling his fingers in Blaine’s. Blaine gives him a grateful smile. “Did you tell me that and I forgot already?” Kurt instantly regrets saying anything when he sees the suspicious look on his dad’s face. 

“Actually I don’t think I did,” Blaine answers, oblivious to Burt’s expression. “I’ll have to head up to Columbia two nights a week for the semester, then do some in-class certification.”

“You didn’t know that Kurt?” Burt asks, and Kurt sees Carole roll her eyes.

“We haven’t really got around to talking about the fall schedule yet, Dad. As I told you on the phone, school doesn’t end for a couple weeks and Blaine is busy. Besides, we’re really focused on getting the apartment ready to sell, so we can start looking for something a little bigger.”

“So what do you do to keep yourself busy in the summers?” Carole asks. Kurt appreciates that she’s trying to keep the conversation to simple topics, even if he can see his dad waiting to pounce.

“Oh!” Blaine genuinely grins, and Kurt can’t help but smile too. Blaine’s smile was one of the things that had captivated him from the start. “I teach music too, to kids mostly, so in the summer I have some extra classes during the week.”

“Oh, do you teach singing?” Burt asks. 

“No, at least no one’s ever asked.” Blaine’s hands are flitting around a little, obviously nervous in front of Burt, and Kurt wonders if he can will Blaine to relax just with his thoughts. “I’m not sure I’d be a good vocal coach, but I teach piano and guitar, and once someone asked for ukulele lessons - that was fun, I sort of had to teach myself along the way that time.”

“You do this in your apartment?” 

“Uh huh. The front room - you walk right past it before the living room, is set up as my studio. I teach a couple of days after school now, and sometimes on Saturdays. But I’m trying to keep Saturdays free now so Kurt and I can have that time together.” Blaine looks over at Kurt and smiles softly. Burt just grunts.

“What about your family? Are they in the area?”

“Burt, give the boy a break,” Carole scolds. She’s gentle but Burt doesn’t pursue it further.

“It’s okay,” Blaine answers. “I know this was a bit of a surprise, and we have a lot to learn about each other.” Kurt is impressed. “My mother has an apartment in the city, but her primary residence is near Boston,” Blaine says.

“Primary?” Burt is leaning forward in his chair, like he always does when he watches college football, so Kurt steps in to try to take some of the heat off Blaine.

“Blaine’s mother grew up in Europe, Dad,” Kurt tries to explain. He even thinks that’s right, although he’s doesn’t know the exact history of Blaine’s family; every time Kurt asks more probing questions Blaine gets evasive with his answers - but he’s pretty sure this will satisfy his dad for the moment. He can get more details from Blaine later, before they have to introduce them to each other. “She came to the states after she and Blaine’s father broke up.”

Burt scowls a little, but it’s mild, and Kurt is pretty sure he’s the only one who catches it, Carole had pulled Blaine’s attention away from Burt again, and Kurt is going to have to raid the Vogue sample closet for the scarf _and_ the Hermés bag to thank her for her help this weekend. 

“So how are things at Vogue honey?” Carole asks. 

“Oh, so good,” Kurt leaps at the question. “We have a busy schedule coming up. We’ve started planning the spring issue already so there are photo shoots to prepare, and we are doing final retouching on the fall issue so that can get to print.” Kurt’s about to continue when Blaine gets up and leaves the room with a mumbled _be right back._ Kurt watches him for a moment, then goes on telling Carole about the photo shoots, but when Blaine doesn’t return in a few minutes he starts to worry. 

Kurt’s about to get up to make sure his husband is okay when Blaine comes back into the living room, eyes wide and mouth tight, and shakes his head once, so Kurt doesn’t ask what’s going on (but that answers the question about whether or not Blaine can communicate with him telepathically, which is a little disappointing Kurt has to admit). Less than a minute later the doorbell rings.

“Ooh that must be dinner.” Kurt jumps up and heads to the door, not hearing Blaine call after him until he already had has one hand on the doorknob.

When he opens the door he is not greeted by his favorite delivery person, but by an attractive, slightly older woman, with striking grey streaks in her hair, and hazel eyes so identical to Blaine’s that Kurt is momentarily speechless. She’s dressed in a navy and silver caftan-like dress that Kurt estimates must have cost in the thousands of dollars. He has never seen this woman before, not even in pictures, but his heart leaps into his throat because she can only be one person. 

“You must be Kirby,” she says, holding her hand out in a gesture that clearly expects Kurt to kiss the back of it. 

“It’s _Kurt_ , Mother,” Blaine corrects tersely as he appears at Kurt’s side. “As I am sure you know.” Blaine looks at Kurt. “Mother, this is my husband. Kurt Hummel.” She _hmms_ and looks Kurt over, but he does manage to take her hand. “Kurt, this is my mother. Pamela Anderson.”

Kurt wants to laugh but nothing comes out; he recovers quickly though. “It’s an unexpected pleasure. Blaine has told me so much about you.”

Pam looks innocently at Blaine. “You said come by for dinner this weekend, didn’t you Blaine dear? Did I get the date wrong?”

Kurt looks at Blaine, who is glaring at his mother but doesn’t say anything. 

“No, it’s -” Kurt is sure this evening will turn into a disaster of some intensity, but until he can get Blaine alone to find out exactly how worried he should be, he lets his perfect host instincts kick in and rolls with it. “It’s perfect. It just so happens that my parents are here for the weekend. You should definitely join us.”

Kurt ushers his mother-in-law into the apartment, and into the living room where Burt and Carole are looking confused. 

“Dad, Carole, this is Blaine’s mother, Pam Anderson.” Kurt introduces, and Burt stands and looks at Kurt.

“Yes, um, I forgot that I told her she could come over this weekend and we’d have dinner,” Blaine explains, covering for the surprise.

“Well I wanted to meet your new husband dear. This was all so sudden.”

“That’s what I said,” Burt says to Pam. “I didn’t even know Kurt was dating someone new and he calls me and tells me he’s married -”

“That’s enough Dad,” Kurt stops him. “We all know Blaine and I had a whirlwind courtship, but the important thing to remember is that we’re both happy.” The last thing Kurt needs right now is his dad bellowing about how his and Blaine’s marriage was too spur of the moment.

Luckily, before Burt can start up again, the door buzzer goes off again, and this time it is the delivery person with their food. Kurt doesn’t want to leave his dad alone with Blaine’s mother, but he does want at least a moment to speak to Blaine privately, so he asks Blaine to join him to set the table. He shares a meaningful look with Carole and just hopes she can keep everything under control.

“Blaine what is going on?” Kurt whispers. He wonders if Blaine could put them them in some kind of a cone of silence, but he doesn’t say it. 

“Kurt I am so - she just showed up in the kitchen!” Blaine whispers back. “When I got up before I knew she was here. I wanted to cut her off before she just appeared in the living room. I tried to get her to leave but she was not taking no for an answer after I told her your parents were here. I told her that if she wanted to stay for dinner she had to ring the buzzer like a normal person and come in through the front door.” Blaine’s arms were crossed over his chest and he was tapping his foot, something he did when he was angry or frustrated. “She’s the one who changed the furniture,” Blaine whispers. “This has the potential to be a very big disaster.” 

Kurt nods. “Oh I know. Your mom and my dad? We’ll just have to try to keep the conversation light. Carole will help. She already trying to keep my dad from - I don’t know what, dragging me back to Ohio? I have no idea what he’s actually thinking. This is all so weird.”

“I know exactly what my mother is thinking and I’d like to keep _any_ of her hijinx under control this evening.”

“How bad could it get?” Kurt is genuinely curious, although he’d like to keep the evening from getting completely out of control. Blaine’s eyebrows rise so high they practically leave his forehead. "Disaster. Right," he murmurs, taking the stack of plates out to the dining table. 

Once the table is set and all of the various dishes laid out Kurt makes the few steps to the living room to gather everyone. 

“So did you know Blaine was dating Kurt before they sprung this on us?” Kurt can hear his dad talking to Pam.

“Not exactly, but I could tell something was going on with Blaine” Her tone sounds more amused than Burt’s, but there is an edge that Kurt is sure he doesn’t want to explore without Blaine there to help navigate. “I know my son, and he was definitely acting different.”

“Alright everyone, dinner is ready,” he interrupts, stepping through the high arch to the living room. “If you’ll join Blaine and I at the table we can continue this conversation with me and Blaine rather than have you talk about us behind our backs.” Kurt can feel the edge behind his comment, but he’s not particularly interested in letting the evening get too far out of his control. He gives his dad a warning look as he walks past.

Pam takes the head of the table, seemingly oblivious to Blaine’s frustrated fussing as he moves platters and dishes on the table to fractionally different positions. Blaine was already agitated by the sudden appearance of Kurt’s parents, but since his mother’s arrival his energy has been frenetic. Kurt is trying not to panic himself.

Blaine and Kurt take seats next to each other on one side of the table, and Burt and Carole sit across from them. Burt’s eyes light up when he spies the plate of egg rolls, and Carole gives him the go ahead to eat whatever he wants this evening, effectively distracting him at least for the moment.

“Blaine?” It’s Pam, and she’s raised one carefully sculpted eyebrow in the direction of her son.

“It’s Chinese food, Mother. We didn’t know you were coming or I’d have made other arrangements.” Kurt notices the fingertip of her left hand tapping on the table, and wonders for a second if she’s going to conjure up her own meal right there in front of Burt. “Several of the dishes are steamed, I’m sure you can find something you like.”

“You don’t care for Chinese food?” Kurt asks. Blaine really has not talked much about his mother, other than that bizarre first day in the hotel, so Kurt doesn’t really know what to expect, other than that Blaine finds her somewhat difficult to deal with. Kurt can see as much, even with just these few interactions, but he also knows that relationships between parents and children can come with a lot of baggage, and he’s as determined to have his mother-in-law like him as he is for his own father to accept Blaine into their family. Thankfully, he’s not worried about Carole at all, and he spares a moment to smile at his step-mother across the table. Maybe she’d like that navy Calvin Klein shift dress he’s had stashed in the closet in his office for a special occasion.

Pam just hums in response to Kurt’s question. Blaine answers, “The MSG doesn’t agree with her.”

“Oh.” Kurt sits and reached for an egg roll of his own. “I don’t think this place uses -” he stops talking after a pleading glance from Blaine. “Better safe than sorry though,” he finishes. He smiles in the direction of his mother-in-law, but she’s looking at Burt and Carole as if she’s conducting an inspection.

“So, where did you get married?” Carole asks, distracting Kurt away from Pam. “Did you get married at one of those Elvis chapels? I always thought that would be fun.” 

“Well in fact there was someone dressed as Elvis at the wedding,” Kurt answers, trying to play up the fun part of their nuptials. He holds back on telling them about the drag queen, at least for now. “I think that’s part of the package.”

“Did you get any pictures?” Carole asks. Kurt knows and appreciates that she is trying to keep the conversation light, but he can sense the suspicious interest radiating off of both Burt and Pam, and he’s at a bit of a loss at how to battle it. Blaine has so far been silent next to him, but his leg is jiggling under the table and Kurt is starting to worry about him just a little. 

“Yes there was one photo included in the wedding package,” Kurt decides to talk to Carole rather than try to include everyone. Maybe they’ll all be content to sit and listen.

“You have one photo of your wedding?” Burt asks. So much for being content. “That’s it?”

“Well we didn’t exactly plan it, Dad. As you already know.”

“I do know.” Burt frowns. He obviously wants to ask more questions. Kurt decides to roll the dice.

“You obviously have some questions, Dad. Why don’t you just ask me? We’re all here, let’s get this all out in the open.” Kurt glares at his father. He’s not sure this is really a good idea, but he’s got Blaine and together they can handle their parents. “What is it that bothers you about my marrying Blaine - who I _love_ , Dad.”

That takes the wind out of Burt’s sails, but only for a moment. Everyone is watching Kurt and Burt. 

“Yeah, okay. Fine. I have questions, Kurt. First off, you can tell me how my son, who spent all of first grade designing elaborate weddings for his Power Rangers, complete with multiple costume changes, wedding playlists and menus with a vegan option - weddings that I attended more than one of I might add - and who has no less than five overstuffed wedding binders still under his bed at home - you can tell me how his wedding ‘just happens’ at an Elvis chapel in Las Vegas, without a tuxedo, or a string quartet, or so much as a word to his dad!” Burt almost chokes on his last word, but he holds his ground. 

“Burt!” Carole turns to stare at Burt before Kurt can say anything.

“Those sound like perfectly reasonable questions to me,” Pam interjects, her tone almost too mild, before turning to look at her son. “Blaine, dear?”

Kurt, still stunned by his dad’s outburst, turns to look at his husband, but Blaine is staring at the table, gripping the edge with both hands. Before Kurt can react to anything, Blaine is pushing away from the table with a mumbled _excuse me_. Kurt hears the click of a door shutting and it pulls him out of his shock. He stands, glaring at Pam too for good measure as he throws his napkin on the table. 

“What the hell, Dad?” Is all he can manage before he goes off in search of Blaine.

Kurt doesn’t think Blaine would have shut himself in the bedroom so he heads for the bathroom. The door is shut, so he knocks quietly. “Blaine, it’s me.”

He hears a click and sees the knob turn and the door drift open a few inches. Kurt opens it enough to slip through, and sees Blaine half sitting on the counter tipping a glass of what looks like whisky into his mouth. He watches as Blaine drains the glass then toss it into thin air. 

“I’m so sorry Kurt.” He tilts his head and Kurt can see his face. He looks more defeated than upset.

“Why? You didn’t do anything. Our collective parents, on the other hand, they could use a Groupon for an etiquette class.” Blaine chokes out a single laugh. Mission accomplished.

Blaine shakes his head. “No that’s not - I mean yes. My mother needs to go to etiquette _camp_.” Blaine hugs himself and sighs. “But what I meant is, I am sorry you didn’t have what you wanted. Your dream wedding. I’m sorry this all turned out,” Blaine waves his hands around, and Kurt flinches, not entirely sure what’s about to appear out of thin air. “Like this.” He shakes his head again and goes back to staring at the floor.

“Blaine.” There have been a couple of times since they got married when Blaine has expressed concern that he somehow tricked Kurt into marrying him, and that if Kurt had any sense he’d want to get out of it. Kurt thinks this is because Blaine hadn’t mentioned the whole being a witch thing, and Kurt has tried to reassure him that that doesn’t matter. And it doesn’t, not to Kurt. So he really wants Blaine to hear what he has to say now. He puts a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, pulling him closer. 

“Blaine I need you to listen to me, really listen. I love you. So we got married in Vegas, I don’t love you any less because of it.”

“But your binders. All your plans. This isn’t what you wanted.”

Kurt shrugs. “I’m also not a love starved gay teenager with nowhere to put my romantic feelings other than in a wedding binder any more.” Blaine laughs softly. “And if we are going to stand any chance at all against our parents we have to really stay on our toes. Together.”

Kurt pulls him into a kiss then. Not a quick peck on the lips though. He wants Blaine to know, really _know_ , that he wants him. He cradles Blaine’s face with both hands, teasing his tongue into his mouth easily as Blaine gives in to it. Blaine grunts softly and wraps his arms around Kurt’s waist moving closer until they are pressed against each other chest to knees. Kurt slides his hands down over Blaine’s shoulders, not stopping until he reaches his ass.

“I really wish we could finish this right here,” Blaine pants, practically into Kurt’s mouth.

“Can’t, mmm, can’t we? You could do that -” Kurt waves a hand over his head, “like at the party? Who would know?” He dives in again, covering Blaine’s mouth with his. 

Blaine stops kissing him long enough to mumble _my mother_ , and that’s enough to throw figurative cold water into Kurt’s pants. 

“Blaine, I thought you told me she doesn’t know every time we have sex. Because honestly I don’t think I can handle that. And if she did it would explain why she hates me so much.”

Blaine bites his lip with a grin. “No, she doesn’t. But she’d know I was using magic, I’m close enough that she’ll feel it. And it would be harder for me to stop time for her.” Blaine wriggles in Kurt’s arms. “She’d know.”

Kurt sighs dramatically, but they put themselves back together anyway.

“Ready?” Kurt asks once they’re presentable.

Blaine nods. “You go. I need a minute.” Kurt kisses him, a peck on the lips this time, and leaves the bathroom.

Kurt has more than a few things to say to his dad, and is almost sure he’s ready to stand up to Pam too - although she hasn’t really said that much, so he may just let Blaine handle her when he thinks it’s appropriate.

“Dad,” he starts as he nears the dining room. “We need to -” 

Kurt stops and stares, not sure that he’s actually seeing the sight in front of his eyes. There is a small pig on the table, its face in a bowl of sesame noodles, and a large chicken just...sitting on a plate. Kurt doesn’t know how long he stares, but he does know he wants to scream and he can’t. He remembers that Pam is there, and when he looks in her direction she is relaxed in her chair, examining her nails. 

“Maybe orange,” he thinks he hears her say. She blinks and smiles, turning her hand to show Kurt her new instant manicure. Kurt definitely wants to scream.

“Mother what have you done!” Blaine rushes past him just as the chicken ruffles its feathers and jump-flies off of the table and down the hall. “Fix it. Fix it right now.”

“Blaine?” Kurt finally manages. “What, what is happening. I don’t - where are my parents?”

“You were gone so long,” Pam rolls her eyes. “I didn’t know what to talk to them about.”

Kurt spares a glance at Blaine, then looks back at the pig.

“What do you mean you didn’t know what to talk to them about? You and Burt must have a million more terrible things to say about the fact that Kurt and I are married.”

“Oh we did talk about that. But then he started asking questions about your dad and I really couldn’t be bothered.” 

_“So you turned them into farm animals?_ ”

Kurt doesn’t know why he didn’t figure it out himself. “Blaine? Blaine change them back.”

“I can’t.” Blaine crosses his arms over his chest angrily and continues to glare at his mother. 

“What do you mean you can’t?” The pig on the table that is either his dad or Carole finishes up with the bowl of noodles and crashes over the other containers, sniffling into each one as it picks out its next course. “Do magic. Change them back.” Kurt waves his hands at the pig.

“A witch can’t undo another witch’s magic Kurt. It’s just not possible. My mother will do this.” Blaine turns to her. “Or there will be dire consequences.”

Pam scoffs, but for the first time tonight Kurt can see something that looks like concern in her eyes. Blaine stares her down, and if the circumstances were different Kurt would definitely find it hot. “You wouldn’t,” she challenges.

“Do you honestly think I won’t pick Kurt, Mother?”

Pam flinches and half stands up, and for a split second Kurt isn’t sure she won’t simply make them all disappear. But she sits and they don’t disappear, and Kurt exhales and runs to the living room to try to find the chicken. 

“Blaine I’ve never picked up a chicken before!” He corners it, backing away when it flaps its wings menacingly. “Do they bite?” Kurt thinks he can at least chase it back toward the dining room. Blaine runs into the room and snaps at the chicken and it stops flapping around. “I thought you couldn’t do that.”

“I can’t reverse the magic, but I can still do magic on the chicken.” Blaine approaches the bird slowly and picks it up, and Kurt follows him back to the dining room where he sets it on the table with the pig. “Mother?” Blaine prompts.

Pam scowls, but she stands and with an exaggerated flourish and, with an audible crack that sounds just like when lightning struck the tree outside his window when Kurt was eleven, the chicken and the pig turn back into Carole and Burt, the food on the table is all fresh and back to exactly the position it was in before. No signs that a pig or a chicken were ever there...

“- why didn’t he tell me? I had to miss my only son’s wedding, Carole. There was a time when I thought I was never -” 

Burt stops talking when he realizes Kurt and Blaine are standing and staring at him. 

“When did you get back?”

It takes Kurt a long second to catch up with everything. “Just - just now, Dad.” Kurt swallows and pulls out his chair, and he and Blaine both take their seats. “Dad, I -”

“Mr. Hummel,” Blaine interrupts. He covers Kurt’s hand on the table and gives it a squeeze “I want to apologize for anything I’ve done that made you feel - left out. I know it feels like Kurt and I marrying seems like an impulsive act, and maybe it was.” Burt nods at the acknowledgment. “But Mr. Hummel, I promise you I love your son, and I will do everything in my power to make him happy, and to earn your trust.”

Kurt is not prone to tears, but he has to wipe one away as it threatens to roll down his cheek. He squeezes Blaine’s hand and when Blaine looks at him he knows everything will be fine. 

Burt is quiet for a moment before exhaling and rubbing his large hand over his face and the top of his head. Kurt knows he’s looking for the baseball cap that would normally be perched there. He nods at Blaine. “Yeah, um, call me Burt, son. Mr. Hummel was my dad, and he was a mean SOB.” 

Kurt does let the tears fall now, and wraps an arm around Blaine in a sideways hug, kissing him on the top of his head. He can see Pam watching the goings on with interest, but she doesn’t react. She is going to be a tougher nut to crack than his dad, it seems.

\--

Sunday night they are back at Blaine’s apartment (and Kurt really needs to start thinking about it as _their_ apartment) - after Burt and Carole have left, and Blaine has assured his mother that he will call her during the week and they will have lunch - where Kurt drags his husband to bed and they burn off the stress of the previous thirty six hours.

“That could have gone worse,” Blaine observes, still sweaty and tucked under Kurt’s arm. 

“What do you mean? That was fantastic.” Kurt gives Blaine a playful slap on his shoulder and Blaine giggles. 

“I meant this weekend, with all our parents.” 

“Oh, that? Yeah, piece of cake,” Kurt agrees. “Let’s never do that again, okay? I really don’t think I can handle my dad as an actual pig more than once in my lifetime.”

Blaine laughs again, and Salem jumps up on the bed; after confirming that they’re done bouncing around, she lays down across Kurt’s feet. 

“At least Salem seems to have accepted me into the family,” Kurt observes. 

“I never doubted that she would.” 


End file.
